Whispers in the Girls Dorm
by Saucy Strawberries
Summary: Sirius and James eavesdrop on the girls on their 'special night'- while listening in on who's got the best arse, the best hair, eyes, abs and lots, lots more. All the while James slowly turns into a girl.


A/N: I had fun writing this, even if it's a bit pointless and out of the blue. I saw this in a dream, and decided that if I were to read a story like that I would definitely enjoy it, which is the main reason behind my writing this.

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the Harry Potter series. Everything else is MINE! Ha! In your face!

Whispers in the Girls' Dorm.

It was, for the umpteenth time that night, that a group of giggling, whispering girls headed up the stairs in a whole lot, and my left eye twitched erratically as I angrily bit the head off of a chocolate frog in irritation.

"What on earth do you think they're doing?" I asked Remus, who was contentedly reading through his Potions book and filling in his Astrology Chart at the same time. "All whispering and giggling-"

"Oh come on, Pads, leave them to their own devices," Remus said reasonably. "They don't need prying eyes like you and James just to behave like...well, normal average girls. They always giggle."

"Uh-huh, they always giggle and whisper," James put in caustically. "When they were firsties or something. We're in fifth year, Moony, and the latest trend is either the cool girl next door or the depressed one."

I nodded along with agreement. Remus looked up with such a look on his face that it implied that he would burst out laughing any moment.

"Why don't you just go to sleep upstairs with Peter?" Remus tried. "I'm going to stay here reading up on some Herbology in case Spout gives us a surprise test or something after the weekend."

"That's because we're not passed out drunk like Peter!" I insisted.

"And besides, sleeping is sort of boring," James began. "I mean, technically, it's fun when you see Lily Evans on a broomstick flying naked with you when your dreaming, but-"

Remus cringed. "Oh Merlin, James, please stop talking about Lily and your...crude fantasies. Other than that," his face vanished behind the book, making his voice slightly muffled. "Do whatever you want. In fact, blow yourself out. I don't care about anything else but Herbology now."

"Isn't that boring?" James asked contemplatively.

"If you read to much of that, Moony, your mind will melt to goo out of pure boredom," I said loudly, in a high-pitched voice I knew Remus hated.

Remus looked up, keeping only the portion of his forehead and eyes visible. He raised an eyebrow. "If I read too less, for one, my brain will not melt to goo. Besides, I can think of a pretty good prank idea from here."

That shone things on a different light. I exchanged a glance with James, who shrugged while chewing on his bottom lip. He stopped upon another group of girls entering.

"Why can't you just..." I tried. Remus looked up again, this time his face visible from his nose upward. "Give us an idea on how to get into the girl's rooms."

"It doesn't matter if it's ridiculous or inane," James added, as Remus opened his mouth to argue. You have to give him points for that, because Remus sighed through his nostrils- sure sign for submissiveness.

"Since you're asking," I could sense a small smile, even though I couldn't see it as his Herbology textbook was doing a jolly good job hiding it. "Let's see if you can accomplish flying a broomstick up to the girls' dorm staircases. While still invisible."

James grinned. I grinned. Remus sighed, realizing his mistake.

Remus had gone upstairs, sleeping soundly by the time James and I were down, a slightly shrunken broomstick, Invisibility Cloak and wands in hand. We had disguises on, just in case we got seen.

I made to hop in when James hurriedly pulled me down.

"What the hell, Prongs?" I asked, rubbing my now-sore elbow that I had used to break my fall. James looked apologetically before getting on the broomstick himself, leaving just about space for me to scramble in.

"Well, I wouldn't want myself to appear as the lady now, would we? It's definitely you, Padfoot, you have the longer hair and all that girl flare- hey, that rhymed!"

We managed to fly into the dorms, and ironically, none of the girls were actually there. It was relatively quiet, that was, until a loud brash chorus of laughter was heard from one room- namely, the room of Lily Evans, Alice Prewett, Henrietta Preston and Mabel Lookwood.

"I think it's one of those girl's nights things," I began, a sneaking suspicion growing in my head. "Greta Fritz told me about it once when she was drunk from eating those spiked candies we'd left for Moony."

"What do they do in there?" James asked curiously.

"They sit around in a circle with cocoa, or butterbeer, depending on the girl, and then talk about boys," I explained. "And make up these weird stuff, like who's got the best looking eyes or abs-"

"Enticing," James' hazel eyes suddenly held a glint of mischief that was so familiar I could replace James himself with it. "Shall we spy and eavesdrop on them?"

"Oh, we shall," I agreed. James brandished his wand out, being closer to the door, and placed the 'Invisible Door' charm- you get to see people through doors, but they can't see you back.

The girls were, as promised, sitting around in a circle, some scattered around on the beds and chairs and even the top of the small bookshelf, talking. I cast a small spell on it so we could hear them.

"...Seriously, Jenny, you'd nominate Podmore?" a girl exclaimed in disbelief. A few laughs sounded. "Not that he's bad...but the guy is sketchy, you know."

"Can we get to my favorite part of this chat?" Henrietta Preston asked loudly, a butterbeer swinging from her hand, making her the second person to get butterbeer-like drunk, the first being Peter. "I seriously am dying to get to the best arse part."

"Best arse?" James repeated in disbelief and shock. "Best arse? They stare at our behind when we- I can't handle this Padfoot, we have to win this."

"By we, I think you mean me," I replied back. I never had any fake modesty to give. James looked like he wanted to reply back, but the girls started talking again.

"You know," Beatrice Joy interrupted. "I sit behind Remus Lupin, and I think that guy's got a rather fine arse. It's not too plump, but not too bony, and even though it is difficult to see it through his robes, I once saw him in skinny jeans when he was going out."

I choked on my own spit. "R-Remus? N-Nice arse? Not too p-plump and not too b-bony?" I repeated.

"We have got to get rid of Remus' skinny jeans set," James said solemnly. "And wear them for ourselves. I have a fine arse too, much finer and better, thank you."

The next statement was made by Lily, to our surprise, with her cocoa in hand. "I have to agree on that...and it suits him. Trust him to be te most perfect guy. With all his good manners and arse."

I looked at the scene with wide eyes, just as James shrugged a bit sadly and said, "Well, if Lily enjoys ogling at his not-plump-not-body and just-perfect arse, I'll just leave it to that then...still borrowing one of his jeans, though."

My thoughts wandered slightly to the day we were going home for summer. I remember dreading the time to go back...and Remus, he was sad on our account, but joyful to reach home. I couldn't remember his skinny jeans though.

"I think Pettigrew has the nicest shade of hair!" Elspeth Harrington suddenly exclaimed loudly, rising her hand that held the butterbeer bottle, spilling its contents in the process. She was met with several nods of agreement.

"Yeah," Corinne Marshall began. "Blonde, but not too white. And not so yellow it looks like it was painted or charmed on...quite good, if you ask me. Natural. I myself would do anything to get rid of these," she held out some her hair strands.

"Aw, sweetie, your hair isn't that bad," Alice soothed, putting a hand on her shoulder.

"I love chicks but in their own company, girls are seriously weird," I commented to myself. James heard, obviously, and nodded in agreement, only half paying attention to his surroundings, his attention taken up mostly by Lily Evans and what she was doing.

"Frank Longbottom has the most nicest shade of eyes," Miriam Delaware said dreamily, and I noticed she had nothing in hand. "I even told Xenophilius once about it...he agreed."

Alice cringed. "Merlin, Miriam, I don't need the image of Xeno Lovegood having a crush on my boyfriend," she shuddered and sipped her cocoa. "But I do agree, I stare at them all the time. Once Frank asked me why I kept my eyes open when we were kissing- in case something was wrong, that is- and I replied that I was staring at his eyes, which I really was doing. He didn't quite believe me then."

"Deep chocolate brown," Estelle Naomi added.

"Frank's got the best eyes?" James said excitedly. "I have to notice them more often."

"Geez, Prongs," I said sarcastically. "We are girls, totally, so we should just take all this stuff in and start paying attention. No seriously." I dropped my sarcastic tone. "We need to take this in, and target our enemies! Make them like our eyes! We have to-"

"The best athlete...definitely James Potter," Kristabel Clay began in a brisk, businesslike tone as she took a sip of butterbeer. "That man scored a thousand goals with that Quaffle of his, and even played reserve Seeker once. He earns that title rightfully."

I swerved to Lily, who also nodded with agreement with others. "Yes!" James whisper-yelled, throwing his hands up in happiness, except it sounded more like, "Yus!" He continued. "I am the best athlete deservedly...if that is a word...and Lily agrees...still, yes!/yus!"

"Calm down tiger," I said huffily. "I may win a better prize than you all. Just because I haven't won any title yet doesn't mean I'm not within the minds of girls."

"Playboys are so common," Beaula Mills sighed. "I suppose it's only normal for us to have a nomination for them..."

"Sirius Black," Mabel Lookwood interjected, her voice solid, implying she was damn sure about what she was saying. "So. Many. Girls. Too much in fact. Most of us have been duped by him."

"He's so nasty," Clarrise Jessaray sniffed with an affected sort of tone. Me, nasty? What? "Using girls like they're mere playthings. And when the kissings and exchanges are over, he throws them away like they're nothing."

I do not do that! I snubbed them with my nose in offense, and James, while managing to look outraged, did seem like he wanted to burst out laughing.

"You don't do that," he pointed out. "Though her monologue was pretty hilarious," he added, which made me stare at him, wondering why on earth he would find that hilarious.

"I'm not staying here anymore," I said. "You coming or what?"

"Oh come on," James whined, trying to convince me to stay. "They're getting to the best abs part. I think they're nominating..." at this point he was lip reading, because I had taken off the listening charm. "...oh well, not me, but I do here about Conrad Brydan-"

The next day rolled around, and Peter woke up with a horrible hangover, Remus woke up ready to plunge into Herbology again and me and James woke up, both tired from last night's events. Remus managed to scrounge a potion from the bottom of Peter's trunk to give him temporary peace, long enough to drag himself down to breakfast.

Just as Remus sat down, James exclaimed worriedly, "No! No! You can't sit! Stand up! Keep standing. Yes. Now turn around. Let me see your back."

Remus turned around confusedly, and just then, James leaned in and whispered, "He does have a fine arse, no?"

Oh. Dear. Merlin.


End file.
